My first love was a woman, well, a girl really.
I was 17, she was a year ahead of me at school. She was fun and hilarious and street-smart in a way I wasn’t. An athlete, with that long-limbed lithe body that young athletes have. Full of that kind of careless body confidence that comes from knowing what those limbs and muscles are capable of, and a self awareness that results in a loping casual stride that says ‘don’t give a fuck’.
She was beautiful. Stunning. Perfect.
I can’t remember how or why it happened, really, but she started to hang out with my best friend and me. The two of us were still at school while she was already free of the tedium of it. We all lived close to each other, but even now, I find it odd that she would choose to spend time with us when presumably she had so many more ‘grown up’ things to do. But hang out she did.
The three of us would spend a lot of time together and I admired her in a way that I can’t remember admiring anyone before or since.
I never put a label on those feelings, and in fact I struggled to identify them.
Until one day she and my best friend were doing something together and I couldn’t make it. In the familiar adolescent wash of jealousy, I felt resentful. But when I examined it, it wasn’t the expected ‘Oh geez, my best friend is off doing something fun with someone else’ feeling, it was clearly, ‘Aww man, my best friend gets to spend time with HER’.
I was acutely jealous in a way that I had never experienced before.
Shocking. Unexpected. Revelatory.
She would invite me on her family holidays to the beach. I am not sure now what I thought of ‘why me and not my bestie’ since I actually thought they were closer than we were. I was kind of oblivious that way.
Our accommodation with her family was a caravan with limited space, so we shared a bed.
One night, lying in our bed in the heat of summer under a light sheet, her family around in various beds, she shifted closer to me. We were always ‘touchy’ with each other in the way that young girls are, and I always welcomed it, thought nothing of it.
On this night though, I felt her body press in close and then felt the sigh of her breath on my neck. I froze. Her lips brushed my neck so softly that I thought I must have imagined it, I kept perfectly still. She gently kissed the delicate skin below my ear, moving tenderly down towards my collarbone. I didn’t react, I was trying to figure out if she was just asleep and snuggling into me or if she was deliberately kissing me. I couldn’t believe that she was actually kissing me, and if she was, what to make of it.
I shifted my head to the side, opening my throat up to her. She moved a little closer, leaning into me so that her mouth could travel further over my skin, so gentle, soft, barely there. I was confused and wasn’t sure what to do, or even what to feel.
I finally turned to face her and her mouth travelled up to meet mine. Tentative, soft, exploratory, questioning, we kissed, her lips so very soft, our breathing shallow, both of us skittish, my head reeling with the sensation, fear, wonder. Her fingertips travelled lightly under my t-shirt, across my ribs, around my waist, not quite reaching my breasts.
The next day, we acted like it never happened, but it was hanging between us every second as we swam together in the wild surf, ran on the beach, laughed together over ridiculous things. I was scared and eager for night to fall, to get back into bed, to kiss her again, to see what would happen next.
—
Much later when we finally talked about that night, I told her how impressed I was that she had initiated our first kiss, and she looked at me in surprise.
“You kissed me first!” she said.
My turn to be shocked.
She told me that I had apparently grabbed her at a party we had gone to a little while before that night, and I’d aggressively, drunkenly, pashed her there ‘in front of everybody’. She’d been shocked-impressed-delighted by it. I didn’t even remember it, which is beyond disappointing, not least because, go me!
Also, this is a reason not to drink, kids. Not because you might do terrible things you will regret. Oh no. It’s because you might do awesome things and not remember.
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I posted my personal ad a while ago.
I’m dying to write about what’s going on in excruciating detail. Itchy fingers!!
But I can’t. Not yet. Ha!
Stupid not-really-anonymous blog.
I WILL say, though, that Collarme.com actually worked okay. By that I mean that the number and quality of respondents that I got there was unexpectedly high. Of course that doesn’t mean they were a match for me, but they certainly weren’t inarticulate one-handed typists spewing idiocy at me. Most had read my profile, were polite and respectful, and I had a relatively pleasant exchange with most of them.
I ended up getting a few more responses from blog-readers after I whined about it, and unsurprisingly (because my readers are awesome!), those who did send me a note were really smart, lovely, sweet, articulate submissive men *swoon*.
I can say that putting the ad on my blog, even with only a tiny number of respondents, was well worth doing *smile*.
I can also say that true-to-form, geography is a bitch always and forever. Grrrr…
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Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #50? Start with the newly updated rules, come back September 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~
When I Get Annoyed, Shit Happens.
The Dildo Wars- Dildology & Doc Johnson
~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~
Sense, Sensibility and Censorship
Triggers, Asses and Subby Places.
~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~
There is no Freedom Without Risk
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Hello Gorgeous! Of course I have to keep you on your toes so I am going to give you a thought provoking question again.
Reflecting back on when you first discovered the lifestyle and where you are at today would you say your view of the lifestyle has changed and how? Also, what do you think is the most difficult or influential lesson you have had to learn in the lifestyle?
Okay so it’s two questions then.
Respectfully,
mysticlez
Hello mysticlez *smile*!
Firstly, the term ‘the lifestyle’ bugs me. Not your fault of course, it’s commonly used. But it just makes no sense to me (no more sense than referring to ‘the heterosexual lifestyle’ or ‘the loves-reading-books lifestyle’). My aversion to the term aside, your question was perfectly clear, so here goes…
I was always dominant in my relationships, even when I didn’t know about BDSM. But when I ‘discovered’ there was such a thing as BDSM, I kind of went power-mad for a while. I was like a Domme-on-steroids because all of a sudden ‘who I was’ got all sorts of crazy props. Testing out these new-found amazing feelings in an environment where it was actively encouraged was intoxicating. In that, I have an understanding of the young Dommes who come out with their ‘tude flapping all up in people’s faces. They know it all, and they’re going to stomp all over everyone who will let them stomp because it’s all new and exciting and maddeningly fabulous.
I mellowed a lot as I kind of re-learnt ‘how relationships work’ within this new paradigm: I realised that I don’t need no stinkin’ ‘tude. Who I am is enough. And if it’s *not* enough for whoever I’m with, then that person is obviously not right for me.
As for important lessons, oh, there are so many!! My first submissive was more experienced than me, and I learnt two hugely valuable things from him:
- If I trust him enough, I can be fearless and that fearlessness has incredible power and intimacy for me, and for us. If I’m not there yet, then I need to work on the trust part.
- Submissive behaviour is very useful for hiding selfishness because the *acts* cloud the motivation. Being able to look underneath behaviour to motivation is hugely important to me.
Great questions, thank you!
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I did a photo shoot last week and the set included a bunch of muscle-shots, which are a *vast* improvement on my usual rubbish-light-and-angle selfies.
Though when I say ‘muscle-shots’, I am being somewhat generous and might better describe them as ‘trying-to-show-off-muscle shots’.
Even though I’m not big, I DO see some fabulous muscle definition when I’m avatar-sized (see right with the distinct bicep, deltoid, lat, whatever-they-are muscles being visible there), and then I get disappointingly less and less fabulous as you make the photo bigger (see below).
WHAT KIND OF FUCKERY IS THIS?
Obviously I need to be a teeny-tiny pocket version of myself. Problem solved.
I feel a bit like I’m in maintenance mode now, which is not really what I want yet (because I haven’t achieved what I set out to achieve), but I’m okay with it for the moment while I figure out ‘what next’.
6 August 2013
My twice-a-week pilates sessions are currently only once a week because the physio studio reduced the available classes. On the up-side, I have only two others in my sessions, which means a lot more personalised attention.
I’m heading to the gym pretty solidly three times a week, weights-only, with a bike warm up and sometimes burpees. I am currently doing a few weeks of drop sets to try and give my body a shock. I’m not doing any cardio at all.
My photographer (my vanilla ex) took my last two birthday nudes and we were talking about the differences in my body then (no gym, no exercise at all really) and now (after 14 months of solid gym work).
He definitely sees a difference in my shape and the ‘quality’ of my body and is genuinely impressed by it. He sees broader shoulders specifically, and a slimmer overall look. He also sees new *strength* in my body (that is, musculature is visible to him), in particular, in my upper body, shoulders and back. This makes me happy.
Of course, I don’t see it because it’s gradual for me, and I am too close to it.
I gripe and whine about the lack of progress in pretty much every body project post. This is NOT because I don’t see any improvements overall. It’s because I am frustrated over *still* not being where I want to be: Essentially, visible lean muscle shape when I am relaxed. Not crazy-big, but I’d love to see some arm shape, a hint of abs, a little quad-flex when I walk… I have none of those… yet.
Not giving up.
Also expect some more photos from the photo shoot. I have about a gazillion of them!
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Discovering things about people whose partner-potential you are sussing out should be fun.
If it’s not fun, interesting, challenging, fascinating, exciting, why do it?
Simple, right? And obvious!
Still, I think there are lots of reasons people keep banging away at it *even if it’s no fun*.
I’ve been guilty of that myself at times. Sometimes in my interactions with submissive men where we are feeling each other out, I will convince myself to do a bunch of work instead of just admitting that it’s not clicking for me.
Why?
- Because I genuinely like him. He’s really nice and sincere, and full of goodness, so I slog away with continuing communication even though I find it hard work.
- Because he ticks a lot of ‘things that I am looking for’ boxes. I find that rarely. I’m reluctant to give up on it.
- Because I think there is ‘something’ there and I’m stubbornly willing it to get better. I think “If I just try *this* or say *that*, I’ll get to it…”
- Because there *is* a spark and I really really really want to light it up.
In short, instead of just saying ‘Nup, not happening’, I do a bunch of work to try and make it fit, to manufacture something that I am reluctant to admit isn’t really there.
When I was looking for a house, I gave my real estate agent a pretty detailed list of features I wanted. Each time she showed me a house that didn’t meet my criteria, wasn’t what I wanted, it was easy to just say ‘nup’. Done. One day she rang, so excited, because she’d found me a house that ticked all the boxes.
I went and had a look, and she was right. It DID tick all the boxes.
She looked at me expectantly after showing me around. I felt really guilty.
“I don’t like it,” I said.
She looked at me as if I had just spat in her face. “But… it’s everything you asked for!!”
“Yeah, I know. But it doesn’t *feel* right…”
I was right. It didn’t. It felt cold and depressing and I couldn’t imagine coming home to it every day. But I still felt conflicted over it – I mean… it was everything I wanted!!
Sometime later, I bought a gorgeous sunny house that was too small and too old, and I loved and adored that house.
This is why my ‘what I’m looking for in a submissive’ description is so vague. It’s not about ‘a list of characteristics’, it’s about that feeling I get when I’m truly excited about him. It’s about the zing-zing.
I do love feeling that curiosity and connection with someone else, that communication where you want to lean forward to listen more closely and you are watching their eyes, mouth, eyes, mouth and you nod a lot and you watch their mouth, where the online equivalent is reading and re-reading someone’s thoughts, and feeling something… an understanding, an intimacy, a knowing. It’s rare.
- Me to my (ex)boy, about 3 weeks in
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Dear Ferns,
I’m an 18-year-old girl who has (since I was sixteen) been interested in BDSM. I’m about to head off for college and I’m rather scared. I live in Texas, and I’m a science major beginning her first year of college. I know that it sounds like that shouldn’t matter, but in Science if you’re anything but the perfect little nerd people assume things about how you got to where you are in the male-dominated profession. It really makes me afraid of relationships, but at the same time I couldn’t image being anything other than aggressive when intimate. And to top it all off, I’ve never had a boyfriend (or been kissed) so I don’t know what goes on past the initial dating stages. I’m really nervous about everything, how they’d react, if they might tell, what would happen to my career if they did. I don’t have anyone else to talk to, so any advise?
-Kate in West Texas
Hello Kate,
First of all, congratulations on going off to college! Adventure!
It’s understandable that you are nervous, for all sorts of reasons. I’m not quite sure from which angle to tackle this, so I’m going to just ramble for a bit.
If you are interested in BDSM, and have felt this way for a couple of years, but haven’t had any experience yet, don’t lock yourself into a mindset that closes you off to other options and experiences. I don’t want to patronise you: if you’ve had this interest for a couple of years, then it is what it is. But your tastes and desires may change with experience, that’s all. Just putting it out there.
I think it is wise to be cautious, but at the same time I don’t think you need to be paranoid about it to the point of fear. There are plenty of people who are in jobs or industries where they might be at risk if their BDSM activities became public knowledge. I think a possible difference is that they are moving in a world of adults where there is an expectation that people behave like adults (this is not always the case, of course). At college, you are kind of confined to a small(ish) community of young people, and everyone knows everything about everyone, so I do understand your concern with that.
Having said that, my experience is that college is a time when *everyone* experiments in all sorts of ways, and unless the result impacts your degree, I’ve not met anyone yet whose wild college days had any impact on their career.
As for being inexperienced, I think it’s natural for the unknown of that to mean a little fear, but of course, we ALL started out with no experience of *anything*, don’t forget that. We all went through ‘first kiss’, ‘first boyfriend’, all those ‘firsts’. It *is* a little scary, you just have to choose who you share those firsts with with care.
So, my advice is this: Go and have some fun. Don’t place pressure on yourself to tackle the concerns of your upcoming career just yet, or to worry about your inexperience, or to feel like you have to have ‘the BDSM discussion’ with everyone you date. Be careful without being fearful.
By being careful, I mean that you don’t have to talk about your BDSM proclivities with people you see casually, with random friends, with anyone except the person you decide you want to get more seriously involved with.
In casual dating situations, you can still play lightly with some BDSM-ey things without ever making it a big deal. Most men love some aggressive kissing, some bondage, blindfolds etc, so you can ask them if they want to try it and experiment with those sorts of things, and they will NEVER think anything of it except that you are awesome.
When you find someone you are more serious about, someone you trust, THEN is the right time to talk seriously about how you feel about BDSM and what you want to explore and what that means for the relationship. Just choose carefully so that you trust him not only when you are with him, but feel that you can trust him not to be a douchebag after it ends (take note of how he talks about his exes, for example).
I suspect this is not going to be your cup of tea given your concerns, but if you aren’t on Fetlife, you might find it useful to join and see what sort of BDSM activities are available to you in your new home. Even if you don’t actually want to go out and meet anyone, it can be reassuring to know that there are groups of young people aged 18-35s (called TNG – The New Generation) in Austin (1700 members) and Dallas (1400 members) and to peek in and see what they get up to.
I wish you the very best of luck, and feel free to contact me again if you would like to talk some more (email is fine if you don’t want a public Q&A).
Ferns
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Whispered in my ear
mysticlez218 on First lesbian love
A beautifully told story thank you for sharing. She was a very lucky woman. *smiles* "The three of us would spend...Cammies on the floor on First lesbian love
Very sexy in the newness anticipation. Also, love the reason not to drinkGabriel on First lesbian love
Ummmm.... wow, I think I need a shower as well. So yeah, the moral of the story, a very good...Tom Allen on First lesbian love
:drools: Errm... okay, going to have a shower now. A cold one.Ferns on Reader Q&A: How has your view of BDSM changed?
"I am assuming that perhaps you are referring to being fearless both in play and outside of play?" Yes, I meant...